Thursday, May 10, 2012

S2 E2 "The Unkindest Cut of All"

- Roz shows affection for one of the pups and then tosses him aside:
Frasier: How could you do that?
Roz: I can do it with men too!

So Lawrence Kasdan watches Frasier. It’s no surprise, Kasdan is an old white guy, but it seems weird that he would base his new, terrible, movie on an old episode of the show.

Kasdan’s Darling Companion is basically what it would be like if you took this episode of Frasier and made into a feature film with Diane Keaton (I assume this is the case based on the trailer, there is no fucking way I am going to watch that movie). Based on the trailer the Kasdan movie and “Unkindest Cut” have these things in common:

1. Old white people
2. A dog
3. A lost dog as a metaphor/test for a long relationship
4. More old white people
5. A kooky “psychic” who has visions of where the dog might be.
6. Terrible dialogue
7. Looking for a dog in the woods
8. One character who doesn’t care enough about the lost dog but then realizes how much he actually does care about the lost dog
9. A pompous doctor
10. An old man who thinks of a dog’s penis as his own penis (I think this happens in Darling Companion).

In “Unkindest Cut” Eddie goes missing. As is typically the case in sitcom world, although this is the plot, it doesn’t actually take place until the last third of the episode. The first two thirds are all about dog castration and coasters and pate and Lily Tomlin. Which, when put in a list like that sounds super interesting but it is really not.

The episode starts with Frasier’s neighbor coming up to his apartment and giving him a box of TOTALLY ADORABLE puppies that Eddie sired with her dog. For some reason Fras- just accepts the crate of dogs and she leaves. Then Frasier is upset, then he leaves. Then Frasier tries to give Roz a dog and she doesn’t like it, then he hilariously suggests to Lily Tomlin, who called in on his radio show with a serious problem looking for real help, that she get a puppy. Then all of the dogs are mysteriously gone and Frasier takes Eddie to get him fixed. Then The Dad freaks out about it and Eddie runs away.

There, that was 15 minutes of jokeless show I condensed for you. You’re welcome.

When The Dad comes to the veterinarian hospital to confront Frasier about getting Eddie fixed he throws a real typical The Dad fit about how Frasier didn’t need to do this and he can take care of his own dog wah wah wah wah. Except here’s the thing old man, you didn’t fucking take care of it. You lied about getting your dog fixed, then it got a dog pregnant and you did fucking nothing about it, and then you kept putting off taking it to the vet. So clearly you can’t do shit for yourself so stop bitching.

The Dad is real lucky all those TOTALLY ADORABLE puppies mysteriously disappeared since it was completely his fault Eddie got the bitch (humor) pregnant and he offered no solution or assistance. Just sorta harrumphed on his chair drinking off-brand beer and thinking about watching TV.

Ok so finally My Darling Companion starts and they can’t find Eddie anywhere! They looked in the park, and they looked at the pound. And that was about it, but that was enough so then everyone felt hopeless. And The Dad put out a $500 reward for Eddie and the doctor thinks that’s too much but actually Frasier just doesn’t care enough about Eddie, but he will care enough about him when he realizes that Eddie is a stand-in for all of The Dad’s fears and concerns about growing old. GOD we have already explored The Dad as a whiny old person so much, when can we stop doing this?

So The Dad is Diane Keaton and Frasier is Kevin Kline and they go out to look in the park one last time, but for some reason looking in the park just means sitting in a parked car talking. I think I understand why they didn’t find Eddie and it is because they think that “looking” means not looking at all and just sitting in a parked car talking.

This gives us the opportunity to hear what the Frasier writers can do with witty back-and-forth stake out banter. Nothing. This is worse than Righteous Kill. Finally The Dad just comes out and says he hates psychiatrists because all the psychiatrist on the police force would do was ask him about bathroom habits. This doesn’t seem true, maybe The Dad was molested by an analyst? Anyway, The Dad says he feels out of place at Frasier’s apartment (still?) and then Frasier says it sounds like he has been “emotionally castrated,” to which The Dad responds “why does it always come back to the crotch with you therapists?” which I think totally confirms my molestation theory.

Then Eddie just comes back on his own. The end.

37 out of 50.

PS: All of the seasons of Frasier are on Netflix but with a few select episodes unavailable for instant viewing. This is awesome. It means that whoever is the caretaker of the Frasier collection thinks that by keeping from us the absolute complete collection people will just be compelled to buy the dvds. "I just have to know what happens in episode 7!"

This may not have been my best effort, but it was an honest one. I am really trying to get back on the Frasier tip.

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