Tuesday, September 1, 2015

Kelsey Grammer, So Far...

This is not going to be fun.

I thought it was going to be. I picked up Kelsey Grammer’s autobiography So Far at a thrift store; the title, the cover featuring multi-colored crayon scribbles and K-Gramms with a t-shirt tucked into real light blue jeans and a sport coat and boat shoes and the most fucking Frasier look possible on his wide face; it all screamed FUN! The kind of cynical, ironic fun that makes people hate our generation.

But see here is the problem: I fucking hate Kelsey Grammer. I didn’t know I hated Kels when we started reviewing Frasier eps, I didn’t know I hated K-Gramms when we stopped reviewing Frasier eps either (like a decade ago I think). But Kelsey Grammer is my absolute least favorite type of person in the universe. He is convinced that the moderate success and fantastically good luck he has had is proof that he is special, that he deserves all of it and that it justifies every piece of shit thing he’s ever done.

Kelsey Grammer is certain that the fact he was on Frasier means that a story about how much his dog likes snow is interesting to people. He’s also hilariously self-centered, and a true sexist and he is somehow capable of making any person’s greatest tragedy all about him.

OK but the thing is, is that if you can get past all that, if you can ignore what a disgusting piece of shit K-Gramms is, this book is really funny. Like the fact that he several times recounts stories of people telling him how attractive he is. Or the fact that he earnestly compares himself to Jesus. Or the fact that he absolutely writes in the voice of Frasier. He says things like “My God, she sure was sexy.”

So my gift to the 11 people who read this is to condense the book into the most amusing parts, starting with the fucking dedication:

He dedicates it to his dead sister. It would take a cold-hearted monster to criticize someone for memorializing his murdered sister, but then again it would take a monstrous narcissist to write this:

Years after my sister had died, a friend of hers told me this story: one night she and Karen had been talking about where we were all going, and Karen stopped and thought for a moment and said, “I’m not so sure about myself, but I do know this – Kelsey’s going to do it all.”

I mean. Stop for a minute and think about that. “Hey so what was your dead sister like?” “Well I will tell you, she thought I was really going to be great.” The book hasn’t even started yet and a theme is emerging.

Here are some more things that happen: Kelsey Grammer is prescient, in his introduction he writes that he “has a higher purpose in mind,” God speaks to him as a child and tells him some nonsense, he considers himself on the same level as Robin Williams and Christopher Reeve. He spends a lot of time bragging about how he was really philosophical as a six-year-old, he also brags about being great at sewing. Someone tells him he has beautiful blue eyes.

Everything is swimming along nicely – I mean horribly and hilariously but it’s all sort of whatever – until on page 45 the man who became famous for playing a fucking radio psychiatrist and for having like a million stripper wives contemplates whether he is literally Christ:

It occurred to me, and I know this might sound strange, that I might be Jesus. And I prayed that God would let me know. I didn’t mind the idea of having to die for mankind; I was just sick and tired of not knowing. After awhile it became painfully clear that I was not Jesus. That this was not exactly what He had in mind for me. Still it was that same desire to do good, to serve mankind if you will, that led me to become an actor.

Oh yeah Kels, you think that might sound strange? And then, let’s forget for a second that he thinks he might be Jesus and just focus on that he equates acting with dying for mankind. He doesn’t reason that he’s not the son of God because that is just patently ridiculus, no it is because God wants something else for him. Something equally important. “I realized the Lord did not send me – his only son – down to earth so that I may be crucified and open up Heaven’s Gates. No, rather, he had bigger plans for me: To play General Patton in a straight-to-video Zucker-brothers spoof starring Kevin Farley.”

That’s probably the highlight but the hits keep coming:

At the end of a chapter titled “Grammer Lessons” Kelsey tells the story of two of his friends dying tragic deaths because they were driven to suicide by painful divorces. He tells the stories so we can know that it was their deaths – no joke – that inspired Kels to pursue his dream of becoming an actor.

On Page 66 Kelsey tells one of the most boring anecdotes I have ever read in my entire life about painting houses or hanging drywall or so-zzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

All so he can relay the fact that a pair of black guys thought he was cool.

“They were seasoned laborers and would be all their lives. They were also black.”

Then he tells a story of borrowing money from a woman and telling her one day she would be able to tell her friends she gave the famous KG a loan. If anyone ever says something like this to you you should push him in front of a bus. Even if he is destined for stardom he is more importantly destined to be a bloodsucking monster.

A few pages later Grammer describes dealing with some “crazy” girlfriend by explaining that he knew what to do because of his “training dealing with difficult women.” Yes, that is right, Kelsey Grammer, the man of a thousand divorces. The man who was once accused of fucking a 15-year-old. This man is 100 percent convinced that every relationship problem he has ever had is because of crazy women. There’s an actual part in here where he blames his girlfriend, twice over, for his own DUI conviction. I mean…what the fuck?

Then a few pages later he talks about his friend getting AIDS. Oh wait, he doesn’t talk about his friend, he talks about how the great Kelsey Grammer kept warning his gay friend to be careful but his gay friend wouldn’t listen and then he got AIDS. And then K-Gramms talks about how mad he was at his gay friend, and how he told him how mad he was. And how his friend called him asking for help and he said “you’re going to live or you’re going to die, I don’t know what else to tell you.”

He then immediately transitions from blaming his friend for dying of AIDS to totally glossing over his crippling cocaine addiction and DUI conviction. He liked blow but quitting was no problem. He certainly wasn’t doing anything to risk his life or the lives of others by driving all drunk and coked out. Nope, nothing as dangerous as having gay sex.

Finally, let’s say finally because fuck the rest of this dude’s life story, on page 217 we get to the book’s raison d’etre. The good doctor’s feelings on Eddie The Dog from Frasier. I’m just going to block quote all this and then call it a night:

It’s widely rumored that I hate the dog…The truth is I have nothing against [Eddie]. The only difficulty I have is when people start to believe he’s an actor. Acting to me is a craft, not a reflex. It takes years to master and though it does have it’s rewards, the reward I seek is not a hot dog. [Eddie] does tricks; I memorize lines, say words, but I don’t need a trainer standing off camera gesticulating wildly and waving around a piece of meat to know where I’m supposed to look. I will give him this though. [Eddie], like any good actor, doesn’t lie.

The book ends with a picture of KGRAMMS on his fucking yacht.

Monday, May 14, 2012

S2 E3 "The Matchmaker"

Frasier: A German narcissist - there's an appealing combination.

Oh Shit the mid-90s loved gay-confusion episodes sooooo much. It is almost hard to fathom how much your dad likes it when gay people think straight people are gay and vice-versa. He really really likes it. I know he does.

Every single sitcom in the '90s had at least one episode like this, where some characters think a straight person is gay and it is SO FUNNY! The straight person is all like yeah I love having (straight) sex and then the other character thinks: GAY SEX!!! And then the audience laughs.

So in this one Frasier is trying to set Daphne up with his new boss, but his new boss is GAY! And he thinks Frasier is GAY! too but actually he is just into the theatre. I want to call this a gay-panic episode but I think that is politicizing a dumb joke that only exists because Frasier-bot is a lazy robot. But if you want to politicize it then yes, this is a very gay-panic episode where every single fucking joke in the whole episode is just GAY!!!! Over and over. Like Frasier says “you should come over and have dinner” and the audience laughs because GAY! And then Frasier is like “I like wine” and the audience is all like “hahahaha GAY!”

The really sad thing is this may be the best-written episode so far. Not because gay jokes are funny but because gay jokes seem to really inspire Frasier-bot, and they get his gears grinding extra fast (this is a very mixed metaphor) and he spits out some legitimate situational comedy that isn’t just “The Dad is sad” or “Frasier likes the opera.”

As a result we the audience are treated with a slightly humorous situation where Frasier is trying to set up Daphne with a dude who is trying to fuck Frasier, and Niles is trying to sabotage the imaginary set up and the gay dude thinks The Dad is gay and where the fuck is Eddie? Probably off trying to have gay sex with a straight poodle he thought was gay because it was a poodle, or trying to screw a handsome Labrador retriever who is all like, “Eddie I am a lesbian. Your cock-eyed stare is not cute it is menacing and I find you threatening and repulsive.”

Anyway the gay dude thinks Frasier is gay because of GAY STEREOTYPE! And that shit is hilarious. Daphne throws her bra away in a gesture that makes literally no physical sense at all and then everyone goes away happy.

Some notes, first of all the Roz is a slut theme may have reached its nadir in this episode. In Peri Gilpin’s first appearance in the episode she approaches a very normal looking Frasier and says “You look like you’ve been ridden hard and put away wet.” And then the audience laughs. No context is given for this nor is there any sort of mitigating factor that somehow explains away the bizarre sexual connotation. This is so weird, the show acts like this is somehow innuendo but there isn’t any veneer of normalcy, it’s like if Roz walked up and just said “you look like an erect penis that just got spit on by a prostitute,” and then the laugh track hummed and everything was cool. What the fuck? Then Roz debases herself by listing a bunch of ex-boyfriends while Niles and Frasier mock her from on high. Those fucking lame-ass prudes, you wish you were half the man Roz is.

Also Frasier makes GAY! Dude think The Dad is gay and it leads to The Dad describing an idyllic bar as having a “great crowd, lot of young cops” and then inviting the guy to a Seahawks game and saying “Frasier hates it so it’d just be us.” This is absolutely the funniest part of the episode.

Anyway here is the frasieronline.co.uk review:

This episode is my all-time favourite, and an undoubted classic episode of 'Frasier'. What works so brilliantly is the script by Joe Keenan, because the lines that Frasier comes out with where he believes he's getting Tom closer to Daphne, is in fact making Frasier all the more attractive to Tom. This works all the way through the dinner party scene and never once descends into innuendo. Although a bunch of gay cliches is used (opera, theatre, fashion, cops), the episode would not work without them because it is precisely these things that are so present in Frasier's life and so normal that to think anything else of them is absurd. For example, only in 'Frasier' could Daphne tell that Tom's break up involved a dispute over opera recordings, and Frasier not give a moments thought to it. A simply wonderful episode from beginning to end.


95 %

Thursday, May 10, 2012

S2 E2 "The Unkindest Cut of All"

- Roz shows affection for one of the pups and then tosses him aside:
Frasier: How could you do that?
Roz: I can do it with men too!

So Lawrence Kasdan watches Frasier. It’s no surprise, Kasdan is an old white guy, but it seems weird that he would base his new, terrible, movie on an old episode of the show.

Kasdan’s Darling Companion is basically what it would be like if you took this episode of Frasier and made into a feature film with Diane Keaton (I assume this is the case based on the trailer, there is no fucking way I am going to watch that movie). Based on the trailer the Kasdan movie and “Unkindest Cut” have these things in common:

1. Old white people
2. A dog
3. A lost dog as a metaphor/test for a long relationship
4. More old white people
5. A kooky “psychic” who has visions of where the dog might be.
6. Terrible dialogue
7. Looking for a dog in the woods
8. One character who doesn’t care enough about the lost dog but then realizes how much he actually does care about the lost dog
9. A pompous doctor
10. An old man who thinks of a dog’s penis as his own penis (I think this happens in Darling Companion).

In “Unkindest Cut” Eddie goes missing. As is typically the case in sitcom world, although this is the plot, it doesn’t actually take place until the last third of the episode. The first two thirds are all about dog castration and coasters and pate and Lily Tomlin. Which, when put in a list like that sounds super interesting but it is really not.

The episode starts with Frasier’s neighbor coming up to his apartment and giving him a box of TOTALLY ADORABLE puppies that Eddie sired with her dog. For some reason Fras- just accepts the crate of dogs and she leaves. Then Frasier is upset, then he leaves. Then Frasier tries to give Roz a dog and she doesn’t like it, then he hilariously suggests to Lily Tomlin, who called in on his radio show with a serious problem looking for real help, that she get a puppy. Then all of the dogs are mysteriously gone and Frasier takes Eddie to get him fixed. Then The Dad freaks out about it and Eddie runs away.

There, that was 15 minutes of jokeless show I condensed for you. You’re welcome.

When The Dad comes to the veterinarian hospital to confront Frasier about getting Eddie fixed he throws a real typical The Dad fit about how Frasier didn’t need to do this and he can take care of his own dog wah wah wah wah. Except here’s the thing old man, you didn’t fucking take care of it. You lied about getting your dog fixed, then it got a dog pregnant and you did fucking nothing about it, and then you kept putting off taking it to the vet. So clearly you can’t do shit for yourself so stop bitching.

The Dad is real lucky all those TOTALLY ADORABLE puppies mysteriously disappeared since it was completely his fault Eddie got the bitch (humor) pregnant and he offered no solution or assistance. Just sorta harrumphed on his chair drinking off-brand beer and thinking about watching TV.

Ok so finally My Darling Companion starts and they can’t find Eddie anywhere! They looked in the park, and they looked at the pound. And that was about it, but that was enough so then everyone felt hopeless. And The Dad put out a $500 reward for Eddie and the doctor thinks that’s too much but actually Frasier just doesn’t care enough about Eddie, but he will care enough about him when he realizes that Eddie is a stand-in for all of The Dad’s fears and concerns about growing old. GOD we have already explored The Dad as a whiny old person so much, when can we stop doing this?

So The Dad is Diane Keaton and Frasier is Kevin Kline and they go out to look in the park one last time, but for some reason looking in the park just means sitting in a parked car talking. I think I understand why they didn’t find Eddie and it is because they think that “looking” means not looking at all and just sitting in a parked car talking.

This gives us the opportunity to hear what the Frasier writers can do with witty back-and-forth stake out banter. Nothing. This is worse than Righteous Kill. Finally The Dad just comes out and says he hates psychiatrists because all the psychiatrist on the police force would do was ask him about bathroom habits. This doesn’t seem true, maybe The Dad was molested by an analyst? Anyway, The Dad says he feels out of place at Frasier’s apartment (still?) and then Frasier says it sounds like he has been “emotionally castrated,” to which The Dad responds “why does it always come back to the crotch with you therapists?” which I think totally confirms my molestation theory.

Then Eddie just comes back on his own. The end.

37 out of 50.

PS: All of the seasons of Frasier are on Netflix but with a few select episodes unavailable for instant viewing. This is awesome. It means that whoever is the caretaker of the Frasier collection thinks that by keeping from us the absolute complete collection people will just be compelled to buy the dvds. "I just have to know what happens in episode 7!"

This may not have been my best effort, but it was an honest one. I am really trying to get back on the Frasier tip.

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

S2 E1 “Slow Tango in South Seattle”

Pompous Frasier Crane, a successful psychiatrist with a Seattle radio show, returns for another hilarious round of comedy that has him ice fishing with Marty and Niles and taking a girlfriend on an ill-fated trip to Bora Bora. Also this season, Frasier and Niles open a restaurant, and Frasier plays matchmaker for Daphne -- while the unhappily married Niles begins to lust after her. –Netflix description of Frasier season two.


Imagine for a second there was a book about your first sexual experience. This book described in overwrought detail your lovemaking prowess, your naked body, your sexual tics and unique appetite. How would your family respond to the existence of such a book? In my Catholic household I’m sure the topic would go forever unmentioned, the book avoided like a leper. Even if your family were less reserved than mine, I would assume they would politely decline the opportunity to read of your sexual exploits as a teenager.

The Cranes are not like your family or mine. Niles and The Dad, Frasier’s fucking dad, are both really excited to read a vivid account of Frasier’s first time making it Crane in the bed as an 18 year old. They are so excited that they clamor and crawl over one another to be the first to read the book revolving around KGramms sexual adventures.

This is totally fucking disgusting. It is even more disgusting when you put yourself in the place of The Dad or Niles, try to imagine being insanely excited about reading about your brother or sister fucking. So excited that you debase yourself to the level of a six year old lusting after another’s toy, clawing at your dad’s face and turning over a chair in a mad dash to read a description of your family member’s penis.

This book exists because at some point during Frasier’s stay in Boston, unseen by Cheers’ cameras, the good doctor helped J. Peterman overcome writer’s block over a few beers at the bar. He did this by telling him in minute detail, about his first love affair with his piano teacher, even explaining that as an 18 year old he called his chest hair a love rug. This seems a bizarre way to help someone overcome writer’s block, but who am I to judge Fras’s expertise? I have been in a bit of a rut lately, does anyone have any perfectly remembered spring-autumn relationships they could recount to me while we get drunk? I will pay for the beer.

Many years after Frasier told Peterman about his deflowering, the dastardly scribe wrote it down in a book that is now the talk of Seattle! And he didn’t even mention Frasier in his acknowledgments! Frasier is pissed and confronts the scam artist at the radio station and makes him cry. My friends at www.frasieronline.co.uk were not pleased with this plot, Norm Jr. complains that the ep “takes a few too many liberties. The first involves "Cheers" back story issues with this alleged cleansing of the soul with some random writer at the bar, followed by said writer ending up at Frasier's radio station years later.”

What is it like to be a Frasier fanatic (Franatic) and hate plot contrivances? This is the same Norm Jr. who fucking loved it when Frasier’s son showed up in a different episode. Norm just watches every episode of Frasier, cursing the ludicrous plot twists and unbelievable hi-jinks while waiting with bated breath for an appearance by young Freddie, screaming out, “worth it! All worth it!” when he finally appears, like a 13-year-old boy watching an Ashley Judd movie on HBO at 1:30 in the morning. “The rating screen said there was nudity!”

I’m going to give this 73% out of 100, just like Norm Jr.

A few episode highlights: After Frasier gets the writer to cry, his dad is just disgusted that he isn’t happier about it. “You get exactly what you want and you still aren’t happy.” What a weird thing to say. You humiliated this man until he was brought to tears WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT?

Also, there is an incredibly long zoom on Frasier while he is reading from Peterman’s book and it is awesome. Apparently Doc is very expressive while he is reading, nodding and frowning and laughing. I am not any good at any sort of computer stuff, so if you will indulge me, please click this link to a short video of him reading and watch it on mute. I think its worth it, I’ve watched it about 10 times and it keeps getting funnier.

Monday, March 7, 2011

S1 E19 "Give him the Chair"

As Niles and Frasier walk sullenly around a furniture store:
Niles: Dear God Frasier, we've stumbled across Hell's waiting room.


The Dad is a terrible roommate. He seems to spend all of his time in the living room watching tv (which is awful), he has a dog, he is loud, he is nosy and he frequently asks Frasier to stay out of his own apartment so he can have sex (I was trying to come up with a funny way to say this but it all just sounded so lame). But mostly, he is a self-righteous piece of shit.

The first season of Frasier was being computed by an earlier model of the Frasier-bot, one perfectly designed to win emmys, but with its drama, conflict and emotion levels too high and its hi-jinks and absurdity levels dangerously low. So season one is filled with episodes like "Give Him the Chair," with Frasier and The Dad having serious fights and then contemplating the history of their relationship. I cannot imagine coming home from a long day at work, plopping down and tuning in and dropping out to this. Why is NBC broadcasting an amateur theater version of Death of a Salesman? This is supposed to be funny dammit, not sad and terrible.

These episodes always feature one middle act when all the tensions boils up and Frasier and The Dad have a screaming match that lasts way too long and then the dad whips out his fucking sad dad card and lays it on the table and Frasier feels awful. But fuck that. All of the tension in the first season is based on the strain in their father-son relationship and Frasier's guilt over not connecting with his dad. But why does Frasier feel guilty? The Dad was the dad, Frasier and Niles were just prissy little kids and The Dad was too busy being a fucking jack-off cop to try and spend any time with the little pussies. Whose fucking fault is that? I picture young Frasier coming home from school all excited, his face aglow from a wonderful day of learning at St. Francis of Assissi Elementary School, "Dad, dad we got to listen to Beethoven today during reading hour!" "What do you think you're better than me? I was too busy being a fucking HERO cop to listen to Beethoven or read you faggot. I wish you liked sitting in a stupid chair and drinking off-brand beer and watching TV on mute all the time, THEN I'd have a real boy for a son and not some pussy-whipped smart ass. How come you never ask me to play catch with you Frasier?"

If I had a kid who was smart and into reading and high culture I'd be stoked, and I'd play catch with him and hang out with him a little bit so he grew into a well-rounded adult. But if he was some no-reading buffoon who only liked Nascar and spitting I would shun him, not try to make any impression on him at all and then show up in his life 40 years later, blame him for the way he was raised and then plop myself down in his living room and ruin his whole life. And if he ever asked me to make any concessions to his lifestyle I would just thump my dick down on the table and cry and scream about how he wasn't exactly the same as me as a child and so I justifiably ignored him and now he needs to make things right by catering to my every old man whim!

"Chair" centers around The Dad's famous old chair, an impossibly ugly green and gray recliner covered in duct tape. Frasier doesn't like the chair because its ugly and his apartment is nice, so he goes to a furniture store and buys a leather recliner with a vibrating massage option for his dad. Everyone loves it and it almost brings Daphne to orgasm (yes, seriously because women usually get off by having someone jiggle their asses).

Guess what? The Dad hates it! Even though the chair is a nice new recliner, and its massage option delighted even Niles and Frasier, The Dad demands that Frasier bring his old chair back. Frasier resists, and then The Dad launches into one of the most groan-inducing monologues ever on television. He doesn't want a nice new chair he wants the chair he was sitting in when he saw Neil Armstrong walk on the moon, when Frasier called him to tell him he had a grandson, when his wife kissed him on the cheek, etc. You can just watch John Mahoney working all of his biggest STAGE ACTOR muscles while he delivers this claptrap. This logic is exactly the reason I have been wearing the same pair of underwear since 1999, why I still have a racecar bed and why my TV sucks (I want to watch the same TV I watched Sesame Street on!).

I guess the Frasier brothers and their loftiness are the butt of the joke on Frasier, but it's the depiction of the working class through The Dad as our surrogate that is truly insulting. Us every-Joes don't like orchestras or art, we can't be bothered with all that high-minded bullshit, we don't even want to do necessary physical therapy, all we want to do is sit in an ugly chair that for some reason holds a spiritual significance, like a Catholic relic, watch TV and drink beer all the time. GARH GARH GARH baseball and beer and manly stuff like poker.

As it always does, this pandering bullshit works on Frasier, and he goes off on a chase for the chair. He finds it at a high school drama club that features a fat (and alive) Brittany Murphy, RIP, and that is staging "10 Little Indians*" that night! Frasier asks for the chair back and the drama teacher tells him he has to wait two weeks. Obviously this will not stand, since The Dad is a big self-righteous baby (a nickname I've suffered before too!) he could never wait two whole weeks to have the chair that he was sitting in the first time he jerked off while sticking his badge up his ass. The lead actor gets food poisoning, and the drama teacher strikes a deal with Frasier that if he will play the lead in the play he can have the chair back that night. I'm sure that was really weird for the parents going to see the play "Oh I thought Chereth was playing the lead in the play, but apparently its some old man, oh well." My favorite part of this scene is when Frasier introduces himself to the drama teacher and she doesn't know who he is, which MAKES TOTAL SENSE. Why does everyone know who Frasier Crane is? Oh yeah of course I know you, you're that guy on AM radio in the middle of the day. How could I not immediately recognize you, everyone in Seattle listens to AM radio aaaalll the time.

Talk radio makes me want to cut my ears off.

As the credits roll we get one last peak into Frasier's life as he delicately sets up a wonderful looking place on the couch to have some sherry and read his book. But then The Dad comes in and turns on the TV and Eddie runs in and ruins everything. What a fucking dick.

7.4 out of 10-As I said, the original Frasier-bot model was designed to win emmys and emmys alone, and obviously something like: beloved character dealing with REAL ISSUES and having emotional turmoil, is the same sort of catnip to Emmy voters that British accents and funny dresses is to Academy voters. But a 22 minute sitcom is the absolute worst place to try to deal with real issues or explore complex emotional issues. The whole thing is just overwrought and amateurish.

Roz is a slut: In a past review I touched upon the genesis of the Roz is a slut joke, but this was the first one that really took the gag into a whole new stratosphere of ridiculousness. Before this episode the jokes were pretty simple, oh yeah you sleep around stuff, boring and offensive but nothing too important. In "Chair" we get a story about Roz coming home in the morning from a night of wild sex and for some reason stopping to talk with a minister who tells her her shirt is on inside out and then propositions her, and of course she is totally into it! Within the story we learn that Roz thinks a church service is called a "show."

I still do not understand why this show is on Lifetime, it absolutely detests women. Every ex-wife/wife is a stuck-up cunt and the women are all retarded.

*When I was a little kid I loved Agatha Christie novels. Are they still awesome? Does anyone know?

Thursday, March 3, 2011

S6 E 14 "Three Valentines"

Frasier: Roz, I'm in Cassandra's hotel room but I'm not sure what that means.
Roz: What it means is that even a blind pig finds an acorn once in a while.


Late-night television for women is a strange place. I still don't understand why Frasier reruns are shown on Lifetime, the show's only two female characters are a mystical servant and a slutty drunk, but watching these syndicated masterpieces on the channel for women has opened me up to a whole new world of advertising. Years of drunkenly watching sports highlights and the Fox News Channel (no that isn't a joke, and I think this peculiar habit is a large source of my inner rage and misanthropy)has made me well-versed in the ads aimed at the particular sort of man watching TV in the early morning hours, so I hardly even smirk at the male enhancement ads and phone sex hotlines. But apparently the women watching Lifetime at 12 am Central Time are a very insecure and disgusting group. Most of the ads had something to do with physical ailments not typically discussed in mixed company, like colons (thats right, having a colon is an ailment, you girls are not supposed to poop)and stretch marks and body itching. I'm still confused by the Head and Shoulders ad that ran constantly during this hour long block, in which a lady is on a date with a really boring looking dude and she is fucking freaking out about scratching her head. "If I scratch my head it will turn him off" her inner monologue says. What the fuck are you talking about commercial? Unless this girl is going to go all meth-head Fergie and scratch her scalp until it bleeds who gives a shit? "Oh no, I better not react to physical sensations or he'll hate me!" This is weird. Plus the guy in the commercial is kinda busted, why are you so worried about the opinion of a dude who looks like a withered Michael Phelps and whose turn offs apparently include head scratching?

Thankfully she solves the problem by knocking her knife on the floor and then scratching her head below the table. You know what I like better than girls who scratch their heads? Girls who purposefully knock their silverware on the ground and then scratch themselves while they're picking it up like some sort of obsessive compulsive toddler. I bet old man Phelps took her home and gave her her the time of her life after that hot move! I just hope she didn't do anything that might resemble the actions of a natural human being, that would be fucking disgusting. Don't you dare scratch your head brown haired sex robot!

Also, Suzette, if you're reading this. TUESD-AD dude, please.

I was interrupted in the middle of this episode, so I don't have much to say about it, partly because I didn't finish it, but mostly because I sort of enjoyed it. I would rather spend 400 words reviewing a Head and Shoulders advertisement than talk too much about me legitimately enjoying an episode of Beast goes to Seattle. The premise is three Valentine's Day vignettes in which things go horribly awry for our beloved characters. Virginia Madsen is in the second one and the gags were funny.

Anyway...There is a part in this episode in which Frasier says that Roz called one of her boyfriends "The Cricket" because he drones on and on, and Roz corrected him saying that she called him The Cricket because he furiously rubbed his hands together during sex. WHAT? Imagine how insanely creepy that would be. Some dude pounding Peri Gilpin while rubbing his hands together really fast like a preying mantis? How would that even be possible? Also when did the hand rubbing start, at the point of insertion or during foreplay too? Did he give her nipples Indian burns?

I am going to call this move the Mr. Burns, which is when you sleep with a girl and you have such horrible intentions, to never speak to her again or steal from her as you leave or whatever, that you can't help but rub your hands together and twiddle your fingers menacingly while you're boning.
"That chick you went home with last night was kinda hit man."
"I know, I was fucking Mr. Burnsing while I was doing her from behind. She passed out and I snuck out around 4 and stole her blender."

Also, near the end of the second episode of the Lifetime double-header Niles says that Daphne's perfume is called "cherry bark and almonds," and swoons at the thought. Eww. What the hell? Is Daphne a 13-year-old white chick? Who could ever get all amped up on a chick who smelled like a scratch and sniff sticker? Oh you smell heavenly, I feel like I'm in the checkout line at Claire's! My god this is even better than your candy-apple jolly rancher lip gloss!

This is yet more proof that no matter how hard it tries, Frasier-bot will never be able to accurately depict class. Here's a hint Frasier-bot, it cannot be bought with money.

7.9/10 -In my defense both Frasier Online and the Tivo Forum called this the best episode of Frasier ever, so its not THAT awful that I kinda enjoyed it, is it? Also, I only watched 10 minutes of this which is sure to make any viewing of Frasier seem more fun: "that Frasier episode flew by! It only felt like half of an eternity!"

Tuesday, January 25, 2011